Well, I guess I was wrong about that friendship. We aren’t mad or upset, the friendship is just going to be non-active. Man, guys are confusing. He got a hold of me first, after losing touch for a few years and it was great. Then he kissed me, we fooled around a bit and then he decided he doesn’t want to date me because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. And now he doesn’t need/want a female friend. What? Confusing, but that’s that and nothing more to say.
Hello all. (might just be one of you, but that’s okay) So I never went on that pool outing with my friend. I just sent him a letter telling him that I miss that friendship. We’ll see what he says. If I lose him as a friend then I guess we’re not meant to be friends. I think that when you pour out your innermost thoughts and get them to the person they are about, and they reflect on those words with what’s in their innermost thoughts, then something true will come of it. That sounds super deep but all I’m saying is that I told him we used to have fun hanging out, who cares if there’s a bit of attraction? Admitting there’s the attraction and acknowledging that neither of us wants to date the other, makes the relationship better. I want to be able to say “you look hot in that picture” or whatever without it being taken as a comeon. I really can’t wait to get this aired out, that way I’ll have my friend back or I won’t, but either way it’s done. Clearing out space in my brain for other things. It’s like going through your closet and finally throwing out clothes you don’t need, wear or use. This friendship is kinda like that sweater I’ve been debating about keeping or tossing. Time came to flip the coin. (I hope I can keep it) Doesn’t just getting it out feel better? I think it does and if he’s the friend I think he is, I’ll be keeping the sweater. Now I’ll just wait and see.
Last time my post was about that kiss that comes when you least expect it. Then I kind of went off talking about my now awkward friendship. Well, I took the bull by the horns and texted him a hello. Long story short I asked if he wanted to go shoot some pool or something. That is something we’ve done in the past and I hope that tonight will bring us back to that awesome, comfortable and fun part of our friendship (also the part heretofore mentioned as being the awkward part). I’ve also had time to think, and if everything goes really cool, then cool. But if things start veering toward the awkward part, I swear, I will say something tonight.
I’m done with always being a little reserved, always afraid to really say what I want to say and usually chicken out. Not anymore because, quite frankly, I’m done with hanging on to something that needs fixing and no one takes it to the shop. I’m taking it to the shop (total metaphor, by the way). Now, I say “I’m taking it to the shop” with such conviction in the confines of my house, like I’m my own hero, finding the strength to take ACTION….here at the house…by myself. Just me and the cats, no one here to actually hear me, so, ya…wish me luck on this, cuz the balls I have at home are wayyyyyy bigger than the balls I have when it comes face to face. :[
I honestly feel that the best relationships come from being with someone that you can actually call a friend. When you find that person who lets you be you and you totally mesh with them being them, and there’s a sexual chemistry there, it’s usually a matter of time before something happens.
So I have a friend that I really get a long with, and we completely get along so well. We can joke, hang out, cook, listen to music…you get what I mean. So one night, a kiss happened and it was such a good kiss. Man, can’t stop thinking about how great that kiss was. And it’s weird, because we’re not really each other’s usual “type”, but there has always been a kind of sexually charged, flirtatious feel to our get togethers, not every time, but it is there. We used to be friends years ago and that flirtation was there and we have kissed before (not like the aforementioned amazing kiss, but a good solid kiss) My friend, let’s call him Joe, decided that he didn’t wanted to be dating because that would ruin the friendship. I agree, totally because I think that both of us are at a point in our lives where we still want to pursue our usual types without feeling that obligation of a relationship with each other. Basically, we both still wanna sleep with (let’s be honest here) the kind of people that we see as “that’s the kind of guy/girl I’m attracted to”. I know, dear readers, that this is a totally superficial attraction, but there is a possibility, there will be that one person that fits the ‘type’ who I won’t get sick of or bored with, who will become that person that I can be myself with.
Unfortunately, the friendship has suffered. 😦 It seems like we’re both a little guarded when we’re together. Sometimes that natural flow, the banter and fun we had makes an appearance, but it feels like we can’t say some of the things we used to say to each other, especially things that have any sexual tone to it. We can talk about who we’ve been seeing or dating or whatever, but comments to each other are no longer easy. It’s like we’re both afraid to go there because we don’t want to give the other the wrong impression…like we’re trying to lead this somewhere. I want to tell him that I’m totally cool with just being friends, that I miss hanging out with him because it was always a good time. So what if once in a while we kiss, that doesn’t mean that we want to date each other, we just felt like kissing and it seemed right and sometimes, we just want to kiss someone, so why not each other? My friend says that it seems as though he’s scared because she thinks he likes me and just isn’t ready to go there. I know that if we did date, it would be a great relationship, but neither of us are ready to go there. I think I’d like to tell him this, because we haven’t really talked about it. I want him to know that I am totally cool with being friends and that if something does happen between us, I don’t assume that it means we’re going to start dating. We fooled around a bit? So what? It doesn’t mean it’s going to happen every time and it doesn’t mean we can’t fool around with other people if we happen to meet someone that strikes our fancy. This sounds so flippant, I know, but it’s the truth. Time will tell. I think that if we can clear the air about what we want to be to one another, I could get my friend back and then…who knows. Only time will tell.
It’s Tuesday night…well technically Wed. morning cuz it’s after midnight, but you get what I mean. I’m an aspiring comedian and I;m trying to work out the best way to become more comfortable on stage. When I’m at home, I sit in front of the computer while waiting for it to bring up my exciting game of Bejeweled ( I know, what an exciting life I lead…try not to be jealous), have a little something to help with the flow of creativity (I think we know what that means) (weed if you still aren’t pickin up what I’m puttin’ down) and just start talking. I sit in front of that screen and just put up my hand like it’s a mic and just let shit flow. It’s like people who can sing. They go to karaoke or something like that and it’s sounds good, they have a nice voice, yada, yada, yada….but at home, those people belt out that shit like they’re giving a concert. It’s that whole ‘dance like no one is watching’ thing. It applies to tons of stuff…dance, sing, act…do stand up. It’s awesome and sometimes I record myself so I can listen to it later, which is great, cuz somedays, I’m like, what the hell is wrong with me? That was not as funny as I remembered it being when I said it. I was laughing like a jackass, and now…just not that funny. Ok, so that story won’t be used on stage! But then I get on stage and it’s weird because at home I am funny as shit, my accents are spot on, I’m quick with a joke (or to light up your smoke – for any Billy Joel fans who know the Piano Man) but I get on stage and I’m too concerned with trying to be nice and funny when really, I’m not that nice when I’m my ‘zone’. You should hear the shit that comes out of my mouth…and it’s genuinely funny. I swear. It is. It’s like I’m scared to just go out there and put it all out on that stage. Don’t know why. When I’m with friends and family….the jokes and accents come so easily, I’ve always got them laughing, but on that stage….damn. Gotta just keep trying, and I guess that goes for anyone who wants something bad enough…just keep trying. I think that’s about it for tonight. Good night world.
Umm, ok, so I don’t know how to get this started, super new at this. Don’t know a lot about blogging, but I like to get out my thoughts, so….here I am. Trying to find which theme to pick was not easy. I just want one that says, here, this one is perfect for people who just want to write random shit. Don’t know if this theme is good for that, but it was one of the few that didn’t seem tailored for a specific purpose, like, this one’s perfect for restaurants, or for sci-fi buffs, or academics, so I hope I made the right choice. If I didn’t, oh well. I’m sure someone will let me know. I don’t know if I’m allowed to swear or talk about grown folk stuff. I guess I’ll find out as I go. I’m thinking too much about how this is going to sound to the people reading it, but on the other hand, I think it’s best if I just write for me and if someone reads it, cool, if not, well, at least I get to get my thoughts out. Of course I think I’m clever with words (I mean really, who blogs if they don’t like to write?) It may not be publishable as a novel or something, because these are just the thoughts going through my head, I’m not trying to write a book. Reading this post so far, I just realized that I sound like the most pretentious person. Jeezus do I sound full of myself! lol Ah well, when you’re pretty good at something, revel in it and don’t be ashamed that you’re good. What are you good at?